Longest Trip for the Shortest Course

A couple of years ago we did some work for a US based software security company...

We won't say which one but it's former owner is now on the run somewhere in South America.

It was a great job over several months that involved a series of training courses delivered in Dallas, Texas.  The first couple of courses were two day affairs, so R & R arrived a day early and went straight home after the first course but managed to tack on a few days holiday after the second.

Interestingly Richard had a stereotypical view of Texans when he first arrived... a view that seemed to be confirmed during their first meal in Dallas.

It was August and therefore it was scorching hot; 40+ degrees.  There was a sports bar directly opposite the hotel and the fact that all the waitresses were wearing nothing but bikinis had no influence on Richard's choice of eatery.

Anyway, it being hot Renee and Richard decided to eat outside (the only people doing so, 'cos everyone else was in the cool air conditioned bar.)

As Texans walked passed they threw a few strange looks at the pair of them.  Eventually one person shouted over the parking lot: 'You know y'awll gonna get sunburned sitting there!'

To which R & R replied: 'We know, we're from Scotland and will be pale again next week!'

As he got to know a few genuine Texans, Richard changed his opinion.  Sure they may proffer their opinions in the loudest possible way, but they always come from the right place.  The only reason the lady shouted from the other side of the parking lot was because she was genuinely concerned.

And so the project continued until Richard got a 'phone call on 28th November; could he be in Dallas on 1st December to deliver a half day course?

What?

So it was on British Airways from edinburgh to Heathrow on the morning of the 30th November and then American Airlines to (the twin cities of) Minneapolis and St Paul's before another flight to Dallas, arriving at about 6.00pm, because of the time difference, in Texas.

Then it was up at 7.00am to get to the office to deliver the half day follow up session between 9.00am and 1.00pm.

The taxi was ordered for 1.30pm on the 1st December and the flight on American went to Memphis then Memphis to Heathrow, arriving in the early hours of 2nd December before jumping on the final flight up from Heathrow (which was on the verge of being closed because of snow) and getting back into the office at 3.00pm on the 2nd December.

Phew!

Richard was a little surprised when his Dad asked what Dallas was like.  'Errr... much like Edinburgh, really.  Or at least the office block I was working in was.'

Strangely, though, Richard doesn't say he felt tired doing it... there wasn't time for jet lag to set in and he managed to get a decent night's sleep ont he 'plane onthe way home!

He would want to do it for a commute, though.

White Coffee

You know what it's like when new people start work at your place... it's an unwritten rule that have to take the mick out of them and you get them doing silly things like ringing the zoo and asking for the seal of approval... that sort of thing.

Except with this guy, we didn't have to.

He started with our training company doing administration and the first thing he had to administrate was coffee!

So he asked people around the office.  Renee asked for black coffee and Stewart asked for 'white with one.'

A few minutes later Richard walked into the kitchen to see the new fella with a jar Nescafe in his hands but searching in the cupboard for something else.

'What are you looking for?'  Asked Richard.

'Do you have any other coffee?'  Said the new guy by way of response.

Richard was perplexed: 'Why do you need more coffee?'

Well, I've found this coffee,' says the young man waving the jar in Richard's general direction, 'But I can't seem to find the white coffee.'

Immediately Richard made a pact with himself not to tell anyone... which lasted all of 7.72453 seconds.

Big Log

We've set up a variety of learning experiences in the past... everything from recreating a business journey in a physical journey to completing community based projects.

One of these community based projects was based out at the beautiful Falls of Clyde, New Lanark where there's a big Natural Scotland Conservation project.

We met with the Ranger who ran the centre and he had been trying to build a Badger Watch platform for many years.  We agreed that we'd pay for the materials and provide the people (we had a group of 15 available for 8 hours) if he'd give technical guidance and make sure the materials we needed were available.

The group included people from all over Europe and the Middle East.  They flew in to Glasgow the day before the event, were briefed in the evening and had come up with the plan to build the Badger Watch in the following 12 hours... you get the picture.

The Ranger from the Conservation Trust was as good as his word and there was exactly the right amount of raw materials to build the platform.

The platform turned out to be quite a construction - a walkway, 6 feet wide, built in the shape of a 'T'.  8 feet high at the furthest end to give an unobstructed view of the badger sett.  With a hundred or so planks of wood, 20 supporting poles, chicken wire for grip and lots more it was quite an effort to get everything shipped up to the site.

Anyway, the team built the Badger Watch platform... it was a terrific effort, really hard work.  But it was one of those days when everything came together.  Team spirit was excellent, everyone had a role and there was a growing sense of achievement as the platform arose out of the hillside...

Right up until the very last moment.

The 'topping out' ceremony was actually the fixing of the last plank to the almost complete structure.

But OMG, we were one board short.  All eyes turned to the park Ranger who was scratching his head.

'I know we had the right number of planks... I ordered them myself.'

It was then we heard an industrious sawing sound.

Almost as one, all heads swivelled towards a Dutch guy who was busy cutting through a plank... the LAST plank.

'What are you doing?'  Shouted one of the ladies on the course.

'Errr...' said the Dutch fella nervously.  'Errr... I'm making a bench out of this spare plank I found.'  He swallowed a lump that had just appeared in his throat.

Bedlam broke out.  'You idiot!  That was the last plank we needed to complete the project... we were about to have our photos taken and everything.'

More shouting and now the group was beginning to advance menacingly towards the guy who was backing up towards the edge of the platform.

Seeing what was about to happen the Ranger stepped forwards.  'Don't worry, I can get another plank tomorrow and come back...'

Slowly the group calmed down and their Dutch colleague realised he wasn't going to get lynched after all...

But it was close.

Toilet Rolls

Richard, in the dim and distant past, used to work for Midland Bank before it became nasty scary HSBC.

He joined at the tender and somewhat naive age of 18 at his home town branch of Lowestoft, which was nice, because most of the ladies he worked with were about 22 years of age and generally single.

Richard was able to impress his mates on a Friday night at the local club (which was called Chequers) by being able to talk to so many good looking girls... he never got anywhere with the girls, though!

After a couple of months in the branch Richard was given the highly responsible job of looking after the branch stationery orders; he had to order pens and forms and air freshener.  In fact, everything the branch needed to function properly... and that included the toilet rolls.

The stationery order was submitted once a month to head office and deliveries were made a week or so after the order was made.  Of course Richard's order had to be checked by the manager but he never did; he just signed the piece of paper Richard put in front of him.

This particular month Richard noticed that he's just opened the last box of toilet rolls so he ordered 72 loo rolls using the usual order form, thinking that those supplies would last a couple of months, depending on how nervous people got in the branch.

A week or so later he got a call from Stationery Department asking if he could be in the branch at 7.00am on the day of the stationery delivery as the articulated lorry had to pull up outside.

'Sure,' says Richard, not thinking too much more about it.

The next day he got to the branch at 7.00am and there was a very large lorry parked outside.  'Must be going on somewhere else,' he thought to himself.

'Here you go mate,' says the driver handing him the two usual medium size boxes.

'Thanks,' replied Richard and turned to go into the branch.

'Hang on, mate,' the driver shouted.  'You need to give me a hand with this lot...'

Oh My God.  The rest of the trailer was packed with toilet rolls.

'B...b...but I didn't order that,' stammered Richard.

'Yes you did,' replied the lorry driver cheerfully.  'Come on, give us an 'and.'

So the pair of them unloaded 72 boxes of 72 toilet rolls into the main banking hall at Lowestoft branch - which was now full of cardboard.

The driver started to climb back into his lorry.

'Oy,' shouted Richard, 'Aren't you going to help me carry this lot upstairs?'

'Can't,' shouted the lorry driver as he started his engine with a roar.  'I've got to get back to the depot... we didn't have room for anything else on the wagon!'

Richard looked at his watch: 7.38am.  40 minutes to get 72 boxes up 3 flights of stairs to the stationery room which was right at the top of the building.

He then put in what he still regards as his best ever 40 minutes of hard graft.  But at the end of it every box of toilet rolls was packed safely away at the top of the building... and no-one ever mentioned how packed with boxes the stationery room was!

As an aside there's a strange end to the story.  Richard was promoted to a new branch a couple of months later and didn't return for another 5 years, this time as a manager.

One day he needed to get a new loo roll for the toilet.  He went into the stationery cupboard and was astonished to find that he was opening the last box of the mammoth order he had made all those years before.

he must have saved the branch a fortune!

The things we put in our mouths

As you'd expect food, eating and the whole restaurant experience plays quite a big part of your life when you run a training business and you are schlepping all over the world.

And things range from the sublime to the ridiculous.

For example, working in Dallas involved quite a lot of French fries (don't call them chips because you'll get a bag of crisps) and burgers.

Although there was once incident when Renee and Richard went to a Sports Bar.  All the waitresses were in excess of 6 feet tall and all wore bikinis... but that didn't influence Richard's choice of eatery. No it was the fact that there were seats outside.

Bearing in mind the temperature was in excess of 40 degrees it turned out that only R and R had opted for the al fresco option... and gawd bless 'em, the Texans felt duty bound to offer advice to the pale ones:

'Youawll get a sun tan sitting out here!'

To which the reply was: 'We know... but we're from Scotland and we'll be pale again next week!'

Notwithstanding that, the food in the States was pretty bland... the exact opposite from Malaysia, which was a little too... errr... authentic.

R and R were working for a Malaysian business that was a division of the government... and their hospitality was fabulous.  In fact, hospitality actually meant eating about 7 times a day.

The bosses of this company decided that it would be pretty good to take R and R up the Petronas Towers.  Please do remember that R and R are British and so went to join the end of the queue that was waiting for the lifts.

However, their government hosts were having none of it: the whole party was marched straight to the front of the queue with R and R apologising to everyone who made angry eye contact with them before ordering tower staff to close the Sky Bridge for half an hour.

After this wonderful trip R and R were whisked away to an authentic Malaysian restaurant.  The thing is neither of our intrepid explores are really exotic eaters but they really wanted to be polite to their hosts (and win more work at the same time)...

But we are ashamed to say Richard had to baulk at Soft Shell Crabs.  A Soft Shell Crab just looks like a crab about the size of a jam jar lid.  It's cooked and then you eat it... still looking like a crab.

All was going well until Richard lifted the crab to his mouth, pincers and eye stalks towards him and they all jiggled as though the crab was still alive and wriggling.

'What's the matter?'  Asked one of the hosts.  'You eat cows at home... why not a crab?'

'Ah,' says Richard in response, 'When I eat a cow it doesn't look like one anymore!'

Later that same evening when R and R were about to settle down for the night their room 'phone rang.  'Please come down to the foyer, our Director has a treat for you.'

They were packed into government limos and driven out to the countryside where they pulled up at a roadside fruit stall.

The Government Director handed R and R a piece of fruit with spikes on its shell.  Inside the pulp was the texture of PVA wood glue and smelt like puke.  This fruit is banned from air conditioned spaces because it makes people feel ill.  It's still a delicacy though.

The fruit was sucked off a stone roughly the size of a duck egg.  When it was eaten it immediately raised body temperature by a couple of degrees.  So Richard was handed another fruit which was much nicer to lower his temperature again.

Renee didn't quite manage to eat the fruit handed to her.

Bizarre Training Rooms

We've trained in some strange and wonderful places in our time... and when the location is bizarre the chances are it's not particularly conducive to good learning.

Take, for example, the departure lounge at Larne Ferry Port in Nor'ern Ireland.

That was a strange day in the life of a couple of trainers.  Each year just before the start of the summer season, which is March time, this particular ferry company hired a whole load of staff to work in the shops and restaurants on their ferries.

This year they wanted to increase the amount of cash generated by taking the novel approach of being nice to people.  We were shipped in (literally as it happened) to deliver some customer service training before the ferry port officially opened for the year.

So, we drove down to Stranraer the night before, stayed in a really awful guest house before jumping on the 6.30am sailing across the Irish Sea, fetching up in Larne at 8.30am ready to start training at 10.00am - Get the picture?

We arrived at what was laughingly called a departures lounge only to find it devoid of anything resembling furniture apart from a load of orange plastic chairs bolted together in lines.

I have to say, that if not one of our proudest moments, we were pretty relieved when we managed to rustle up five long trestle tables, a projector screen, extension cable and 50 chairs all within half an hour.

But the piece de resistance was our projector stand... we found that an upturned waste bin from the terminal was absolutely the perfect height for projection.

And then there was the time when Richard was training staff from the Department of Work and Pensions.  The office he was training in was home to the Job Centre, too.

Just as he was getting going he saw a bloke with an iron bar force his way into the Job Centre before trying to smash through a security screen.  Needless to say it would have been a pretty useless screen if it had smashed so all that happened was that the guy jarred his arm very badly... no doubt he tried to sue the government for RSI or something.

And last but certainly not least, R and R delivered a seminar in the Far East, where attitudes to these sorts of things are... different to here at home.

For example, here at home we sit politely in the seminar, mostly pretending to be interested in the presentation even if we're not.  We wait until break to go to the loo and get a cup of coffee.  And if, OMG how embarrassing, you need to go to the loo half way through a session you sneak out doubled over as though no-one will be able to see you walking in a crouched position!

Over there it was different.  The delegates got up and walked out... mostly right in front of Richard as he was presenting... either to go to the loo or get coffee or for a puff of fresh air or to make a call (although they didn't wait to get outside before answering the call)...

But the funniest moment was when, just as Richard was getting into his flow a workman from the conference centre walked in with a step ladder under his arm.

He set it up right in front of Richard, climbed the ladder and proceeded to open the air con unit that was above his head.

And it wasn't even for essential repairs to keep the heat down.  It was just a routine service... right in front of 150 delegates half way through a seminar session!

Cross Dressing... and More

We once did a piece of work for a major supermarket.

The boss made an excellent point about all of life being there: 'Because we have so many people come through our doors every week there's usually at least one death and a birth in our stores.'

And the principle holds true for this next stary from our business past.

If you've been training long enough you get to see pretty much everything; from sleepers to... well, yes, cross dressers and transexuals.

Richard started his career at Midland Bank, quite a long time ago.  It was in the days when the country was finally beginning to lighten up and slowly it became okay to talk about the the subject of transgender, homosexuality and so on.  It couldn't have been easy back in eighties, but change was afoot.

Richard worked in a branch of Midland that also housed the area office, which meant the Area Manager was on site.  During his time there a member of staff made an announcement.  He was in the process of changing from he to she and he was going to be living as a woman for at least a year ahead of making the physical change.

This caused an issue in the office... oh, we don't mean anyone had a philosophical objection (or, if they did, they kept it well hidden).  No, the difficulty was rather more practical: toilets.

Clearly, using the men's was out of the question and the women in the office felt the same.  There was nothing for it...

The Area Manager had to give up the keys to his personal executive washroom.

Best pleased he was not.

This reminded us of a story from Renee's training past.

Jump forward a few years: Renee was working for a Police Service... we won't tell you which one for obvious reasons.

The piece of work was interesting but became more interesting when she was told about a Police Officer who was now a woman but used to be a man.  Apparently it was easy to tell who it was (apart from the enormous hands and Adam's Apple) because she was the only WPC who wore a skirt.

Having said that, there weren't many duties the officer couldn't perform as a result of making the life change: in fact, it was policing football matches that caused issues.

One of the guys on Renee's course told her about a 'phone call he had to make to the WPC's home.

He dialled the number and a young lad answered the 'phone - probably about 15 years old, the guy reckoned.

He was slightly taken aback by this, so stammered out: 'Oh, er, can I speak with Rachel (name changed) please?'

'Sure you can,' said the lad chirpily.  He took the 'phone away from his mouth and yelled at the top of his voice: 'DAD, 'phone!'