A funny old week

I don't know about you but this week seems to have lasted forever but at the same time has flown by.

How can that be?

As an aside, does anyone else think that 2014 is flying past rather too quickly, what with the clocks going forward Sunday morning and it being April on Tuesday?

After the speed that 2012 flew by I said to Renee, 'We just have to slow down 2013.'

She just looked at me as though I was some kind of idiot.  'Are you some kind of idiot?' Asked she. 'It's October!'

This week started on Monday morning (predictably) with a early alarm call - up at 4.00am to get down to Northampton as part of the team delivering the final module of a management development programme.

The other facilitator was going to be there at 8.00am and I was going to get there for 9.30... 5 hours is about right for the trip down from Edinburgh.

Hmmm... not on Monday it wasn't.  The Thelwell Viaduct was stationary for an hour and I was bustin' for a wee the whole time.

Here's another aside and you may want to skip this paragraph if you are in any way easily offended.

How much liquid is there in an average wee?  I've never measured it or even really thought about it, to be honest.  I did on Monday morning though, because the Costa Coffee takeaway cup was almost pressed into action.  In fact, it was so close I was even considering the logistics of it all...

Anyway, I eventually made it to Northampton at 10.30am.  The course went off without a hitch and it was back up the road on Tuesday night.  Here's a thing: the journey was exactly the same in reverse.  An hour stationary, on the M1 this time.

I have to say I'm not a massive football follower but I've started listening to football commentary of Radio 5 Live.  On Tuesday it was Manchester United vs Manchester City and I was just thinking to myself that I rarely hear a goal on the radio when City scored - 43 seconds in to the game!

Wednesday it was farewell drinks with Margaret at the White Lady here in Corstorphine.  I left after a couple of pints and walked Barney home.  Renee got home... later.  But still, I have to say, made it to BNI on Thursday morning.

Thursday evening was our first networking event here in the shop... everything seemed to go well and we had three brilliant presentations from @joworrall, Alan Johnston and @Grow_potential.  Here's Alan Johnston practising his Power Pose...

Brilliant.

All good stuff.

So, it's Friday.

I had 4 meetings lined up today (including an interview with a potential new member of staff) all of which got cancelled.

The new member of staff sent me an email which said, (something like) 'I'm not coming 'cos I've got an interview for a job I really want.'

I mean, I ask you...

To wrap the week up it's off to friends in Livi tonight.  I really hope it's not a late one!

So what I mean; it's been helluvva week and my parents are up next week... and Renee and I have to go to Birmingham and we have a new member of staff starting and we're getting work done on the shop...

The Gibson Hotel, Dublin

Do you know what?

There's so much to write about this week, I don't know where to start... so I'll start where I am right now.

That's the Gibson Hotel, in Dublin, just next to the Irish O2... where Beyonce is playing for the next two nights.  Quiet my stay ain't.

Anyway, The Gibson is a great hotel; it's modern but quirky and I love that.  For example, there a very lifelike model of a sheep in reception (which is on the 3rd floor) looking down at the floor and reading a newspaper.

Last time I stayed here was back in September 2013.  There's a really good restaurant called the Coda Eatery and the company I work for are kind enough to put me on a dinner, B and B package.

The issue is that the nice restaurant doesn't open on a Monday night and, if you're on the dinner package, you're left with something called the HemiDemiSemiQuaver Bar... and I'm not kidding.

The HSDQ Bar only Thai food which is okay except every dish has prawns or noodles in it and I don't like prawns or noodles.  So I asked if I could order something from the Room Service menu and have it delivered to the bar.

This was met with a flat no so I had to slink off to my room and eat on my own like a sad git.

At the end of my stay I was given a feedback form and I mentioned the incident on the form.  A couple of days later I got a call from the General Manager asking for more details.  He agreed with me that to deliver Room Service to the bar wasn't a big issue and he apologised.  'Next you stay with us', says he, 'let me know and I'll sort you out a couple of drinks.'

Okay, fair play... situation closed in my mind.

So I'm back at The Gibson and had forgotten the problem I had and I certainly didn't make myself known to claim my free drinks.  But as I checked in the receptionist really surprised me: 'Welcome back, Mr Lambert.  I know you had a bit of a problem last time you were here so please accept a complimentary upgrade and some drinks vouchers.'

Aha... this is more like it, thinks I.  Brilliant service recovery, fantastic systems, expertly delivered.

So, I have a suite a 4 vouchers for drinks.

I ventured down tot he bar on Monday night for my dinner... after all, if they've listened to my feedback surely they would have done something about Room Service being delivered HSDQ.

'Can I order something from Room Service?'

'No, sorry you can't.'

More drinks for me at my next stay?

Maternity Leave and The Law

Now I have to say we're pretty hot on the ol' HR Law but I was so shocked by a recent discovery that I had to get it checked out by several highly reputable sources.

This particular aspect of HR law covers maternity leave.  Personally I think Maternity Leave is a brilliant thing and we have a number of people working part time for us; returning to work after starting a family.  

However, they weren't working for us when they were pregnant so my knowledge and experience of Maternity Leave isn't that extensive...

Let me explain the situation.

We had a lady (predictably) working with us who was having a baby.  Come the appropriate moment she went off on Statutory Maternity Leave.  We continued to pay her but claimed back via National Insurance.

So, six months passed and we asked our member of staff about her intentions and she said she wanted to extend her Maternity Leave to the full year.

Okay, not ideal, but not much we could do about it.

The year was almost up so we got in touch again about coming back... now here's where I entered uncharted territory for me.

The lady asked to come back part time... fine.  But the part time hours didn't match our business needs.  The request to come back part time is officially known as a request for Flexible Working.  Because it didn't match business needs we were fully entitled to reject the request, which we did.

Of course, this being the law in general and HR law in particular there were standard letters and processes to be followed which we did to the letter.

The upshot of all this was that our lady handed in her notice... all amicable and everyone was happy.  Or, if not happy, then at least accepting!

Here comes the bit I had to get checked out and although I believe the advice I was given implicitly, I just don't believe it.

Deep breath and I'll say it quickly so I don't wind myself up.

All the time our lady was on Maternity Leave she was accruing holidays at the same rate as though she was still working for us.

She had a year off so was entitled to 28 days paid leave... and we had to pay it.  More than £2k.

The cynical part of me wonders whether this lady knew this and was playing us all along for a nice £2,000 bonus.  The philosophical part simple says, 'well, them's the rules.'  The realistic part of me thinks it's just not fair and this must be a loophole and the hopeful part of me thinks that the advice I've received from three independent sources can't possibly right.

Can it?

If anyone can tell me that the advice is wrong and actually I can claim that holiday pay back, please get in touch!

Hi-De-Hi

We were on holiday recently and a very welcome break it was, too.

Sun, sea, sand and other words that begin with 'S... I was thinking about 'sleeping'.  What were you thinking?

I know the hol was needed because we spent the first three days asleep.  Our routine for those first days was quite simple: get up early and go to the gym for 7.00am.  Breakfast followed by a morning sleep on a sun lounger.  Maybe a spot of lunch before climbing back on to the sun lounger until about 5.00pm before going back to our room for a snooze.  Dinner, then in bed for 9.30pm!

Of course, even though we were on holiday, I felt a bit guilty about the absolute level of inactivity we achieved over the first few days, but consoled myself by working really hard at doing nothing.

It was kind of a strange holiday for us.  Usually we do adventurous stuff like climbing Kilimanjaro, or at least active breaks; changing locations, doing internal flights and that sort of thing.

This time round we were very much holidaymakers, staying in one place with all our needs catered for on an All Inclusive basis.

I have to say, that it struck home that we were having a 'different' experience when Renee Tweeted that 'We've escaped Colditz and left the hotel grounds!'

Hmmm...

It wasn't until later in the first week when we'd sufficiently recovered to sample to 'entertainment' put on by the hotel that I realised I was on a proper holiday.

This particular evening's entertainment involved that world famous bastion of entertainment: Karaoke.

Needless to say the Entertainment Team (I have to say that I will always worry in the future if I end up in an hotel with an 'Entertainment Team') was struggling to get people to join in.  However, I had to smile (behind a raised hand and an incredulous look on my face) when the 'Ambassador of Fun' - genuinely, I'm not joking, that's what he called himself - said:

'I used to work at Sandals and I never had this much trouble getting people to join in there.  This has been the most difficult night I've had at Smugglers Cove.  How can you be having fun if you're not joining in?'

Renee leaned over to me and whispered, 'Come on, let's go.  I didn't pay lots of money for this holiday to be part of the entertainment!'

As a side note about the Entertainment Team: there was a house band called the Smugglers Roots Band and they were actually pretty good.  Although every night at dinner we would be served by the keyboard player and the drummer mixed a pretty decent Rum Punch!

After the Karaoke night we decided that it would be best to avoid the in-house entertainment, although during the second week we did start going more often just so we could be outraged and shocked at amateurish nature of Limbo Fire: The Best Limbo Dancers in the East Caribbean and the Salsa Experience.  I have to say, though, the absolute nadir of the entertainment was the Mr & Mrs gameshow held on Valentines night!

Pure solid entertainment gold!

So, after the very long preamble, we get to the moral of the story.  We're a service provider and to get our customers to do things for themselves is a bit like getting them to perform karaoke... so we don't do it!  Give us your accounts to look after and we'll do just that.

There you go - got there in the end.

As a last word, I have to say I really enjoyed my holiday.  After the first three days hibernating we found a mountain to climb called Gros Piton and I learned to water-ski, sail a catamaran and play tennis... much more like it!

Messing with Richard's Mind

Richard is a strange kind of bloke: a place for everything and everything in its place is his motto.

Well, it isn't really, but it could be.

He can't leave anything out at home, it has to be put away and the guys in the office can't leave anything on his desk.  In fact, Richard doesn't even let himself leave anything on his desk unless he's working on it.

You see what we mean: odd.

But he's even odder than that.  Once he was out with Renee and they parked their car where they shouldn't.  They didn't realise this but the lovely Traffic Wardens did and the car got towed away.  When they came back to where they had left the car Richard's first thought wasn't: oh dear, my car has been towed or maybe stolen.  No, it was: OMG our car's gone invisible.

Anyway, Richard has a watch.

A very nice watch it is, too.  His mum and dad bought it for his 40th birthday.  It's got hands and a knob on the side to adjust the time and date.  The watch has worked perfectly for five years, all bar one change of battery.

Yesterday (24th January) Richard knew the date was correct because he'd been signing off tax returns with customers and had checked his watch when he was asked to confirm the day.  He also knew the watch was telling the right time when he went to bed at 11.30... cos he looked at his watch.

So explain how, if you would, when he looked at his watch at 7.30am the next morning it was all to cock.

And it wasn't because the watch had simply stopped working because the battery had run out: the second hand was still merrily clicking it's way around the face.  No, it's much more sinister than that.  Here's a list of what was wrong:

• The date now said Tuesday 2nd.  (Today is Saturday)
• It had changed to the French version (i.e. it said MAR 2, instead of TUE 2)
• The time was 11.54 according to the watch, but the second had was still turning and the watch was working fine

How could this possibly be?

Richard came up with 4 theories:

1. Renee changed his watch in order to mess with his mind
2. Barney changed his watch in order to mess with this mind
3. He'd been abducted by aliens and lost 11 months and 22 days and it's actually 2015
4. An external (probably paranormal) influence had worked on his watch

Let's look at each of these theories in turn so we can really assess how odd Richard actually is.  Here we go:

1. Why?
2. Difficult, Barney has paws not hands and he doesn't have an opposable thumb
3. Renee would have probably noticed he'd been gone and would have mentioned that fact
4. Refer to 1

Okay, so Richard's theories are clearly the wild imaginings of a deranged being who has almost completed his first January working in an accountancy practice... but that doesn't alter the fact that something happened to his watch.

By the way, since he changed his watch back tot he correct settings more than 8 hours ago it's worked perfectly.

Any ideas post them on our Facebook page: the more bizarre the better... because, of course, it will mess with Richard's mind.

I'm ahead... for the first time in my life

Richard was working with a client 'darn sarth' earlier in the week.

It was rush job so the only hotel he could get in to was a Travelodge... but it was okay, it was a new one!

He'd been over the road for his tea - (Two for One and the Marstons Inn) and was coming back into the Travelodge.

The foyer wasn't a particularly nice place - very small, locked door, security screen for the receptionist, that sort of thing.  But there was a vending machine and the Double Deckers caught Richard's eye.

'Hang it all,' he thought, 'I haven't had one for ages, I'm having a Double Decker.'

80 pence it was and Richard happened to have a pound coin in his pocket.  He put the coin into the slot, made his selection and the chocolate bar dropped into the tray, shortly followed by a clunk as his change was dispensed.

He retrieved his chocolate bar and then scooped the coin (which he assumed was a 20 pence piece) out of its receptacle.  Imagine his delight when it turned out to be the very same pound coin he'd put in just a few seconds earlier.

It was a real Fawlty Towers moment.  'I'm ahead,' he crooned to himself, 'For the first time in my life, I'm ahead.'

The he surreptitiously hid the coin and slinked up to his room, all the time expecting the receptionist to clamp a hand on to his shoulder and demand that he paid for the Double Decker.

Later, when he'd calmed down, Richard was reflecting on his good fortune and how good it made him feel... after all, it was such a tiny thing to have such a big impact.

But it's true of customers interactions, too.  Little things = Big things in the minds' of customers.  It's the little touches that people remember and so Richard resolved to get better at the little things which have the largest impact.

Not that he's going to buy everyone a Double Decker!

Of teeth and telephones

Happy New Year to you all,

It's been a funny old start to 2014 even beyond the usual madness of January and the tax return season... which I'll come on to later.

Let's start with dentists... yes, dentists.

It has to be said that I didn't know I had any dental issues and I'm still not 100% sure that I have.  The Hygienist was very sceptical as she went through a long list of potential symptoms that I think I should have been experiencing:

•    'Pain in your gums?'  No

•    'Sensitivity to cold?'  No

•    'Sensitivity to warmth?'  Nope

•    'Pangs?'  Was that 'pangs?  'Yes'.  No

•    'Bleeding?'  No

•    'Does this hurt?'  Along came a jab with a sharp implement.  Not really

•    'Ah!  Numbness!'

Anyway, apparently I was suffering from pockets for which the cure was three visits to the Hygienist to have these pockets scraped of bad stuff so that good stuff could grow in its place... at least that's how it was explained to me.

I don't have a dentist-phobia so actually the sessions apart from the occasional scrape weren't too bad and were actually quiet relaxing - half an hour laying on my back with not much to think about!

But the point I was getting to was an argument the Hygienist had with her assistant.

When I first lay down in the chair I thought the surgery was pretty hot, but of course, I didn't say anything.  A few minutes after she started the Hygienist said to her assistant: 'We're going to have to turn down the heating... It's stifling in here.'

Hear, hear thinks I.

But she got an argument.

'But I'm cold!'

'Well, you can leave the room.'

At which point I managed to mumble with (with two pairs of hands wedged firmly in me mouth) 'You can borrow my number if you like.'

I could have been scarcely intelligible but I was completely understood and I was faced with a somewhat tight lipped smile and a 'no thanks!'

Five minutes later the heating was turned back up!

Now, it has to be said our new office is fairly cold on account of the whacking great hole in the window that was put there by a delinquent just before Christmas.  On our snagging list one of the team decided to write 'It's freezing cold!'

To me that's not snagging and so my response was - put a jumper on!

About the move to the new office - thanks for asking - for the most part it's gone really smoothly and even IT was pretty good.  In fact, our IT guys (sortmypc.co.uk) are absolute geniuses.

They had to do a bit of fancy jiggery pokery with routers and telephones. 

At one point he telephone rang and Angus (sortmypc.co.uk) shouted across the office 'I take it because the 'phones are ringing they're working?'

See what I mean.  A real IT guru!

Welcome to 2014!