Corporate Difficulties

I try not to rant too much in these blogs but my unwritten rule is about to be broken.

I shan't name names unless you force me to but you won't be able to get anyO2thing from me.

Whatever you say won't make me Talk Talk, it doesn't matter how Hot your Point is you just won't be able to make me Volvo.  Did I say Volvo?  I meant talk.

So, we got new 'phones recently and as part of the deal I had to send the old 'phones back... which I did in the bags provided.

I then got a letter saying that if I didn't send the 'phones back my account would be debited with £661.  Of course, I rang to complain and the guy at the nameless 'phone company said 'nope, the 'phones had arrived and all was okay.'

The next letter to arrive said they had our 'phones and would be charging me £52.50 for damage to a case.  Fair enough - there was a dent and a chip.

Then I checked my bank account and £661 had been debited.

So, of course, I called.  There was a profuse apology and a promise to refund me £661.  Immediately?  No.  In 10 to 15 days.  Working days!

How is that fair?

But then I suddenly thought to myself 10 days later that I hadn't had the refund... except I had - my O2 (ooops - there, I've spilled the beans) account had been credited but I should have been told that I had to call again to get my bank account refunded.

I asked for the refund - guess how long before I'll get it.

Yep... you're quite right.  Another 10 to 15 days!  O2 could have my money - more than £600 - for nearly a month... and they took it incorrectly.  Some would say 'stole'... but not me of course.  Just some.

Talk about incensed.

And talk about Talk Talk.

I got an email that said I was moving out of my house and other people were moving in and didn't want Talk Talk anymore.

First I'd heard of it - I ain't moving and I hadn't been in touch with said company.  Could it be anything to do with data being stolen and other companies taking advantage?

Just asking.

So, I called.  The first two people clearly didn't understand:

'So, you wanted to leave Talk Talk and now you've changed your mind..?'

'No, I never wanted to leave in the first place.'

'But it says on our system that we have a termination request.'

'Well it didn't come from me.'

'Who did it come from then?'

'How the bloody hell should I know?'

'Please don't use offensive language...'

The third person said they'd sort it, which I didn't believe and lo and behold a letter turned up on Saturday saying our service would be terminated on 29th January.

So, another 'phone call which, to be fair, seemed to sort things.

I just wouldn't try to call me at home on the 29th January - just to be on the safe side, you understand!

Feeling Good

I've never found someone's wallet lying on the pavement... until today, that is.

I was walking Barney down to the office about lunchtime (and I know what you're thinking when I say that - but I wasn't skiving) and there it was.

Just laying in the middle of the pavement, with plastic cards scattered about it.

The mix of emotions I felt when I saw took me completely by surprise.

My first thought was: what a pain, I need to do something about this.

My second thought was guilt as I picked up the wallet... in case someone thought I was half inching it and my third thought, when I saw the family photographs was 'poor bloke'.

But once you've picked up a wallet, what do you do with it?  It felt wrong to put it in my pocket but what else was I supposed to do?

I looked round in vain for someone to hand  the problem off to... if only there was a passing police officer I could give it to.  But there was no-one.  Government cuts you see; there just aren't the same number of Bobbies on the beat as there used to be.

So I tried the shop outside which I found the wallet.

Nope, they didn't know who it was either.

There was only one thing for it; I was going to have to go through the wallet to look for some kind of contact details (more guilt at doing that) and lo and behold there was a business card for a local car dealership.

So I rang it on the off chance and got a lucky break: the guy was a customer of theirs.  The receptionist left a 'phone message for him and an hour later he called me.  Half an hour after that he came to the office and collected his wallet.

As I thought, it was the pictures of his wife with their grandson that he was most worried about losing but all's well that ends well and bloke and wallet were reunited.

And then I thought - what kind of muppet am I that a) my first thought was 'what I pain, I need to do something about this' and b) I felt guilty for picking up the wallet in the first place in case someone thought I was nicking it?

But, there you are... even being a muppet doesn't necessarily stop good things from happening.

Singing Praises

I don't do this very often - perhaps I should do more of it here in our blogs.

But today I am going to be serious (for once) and take the opportunity to sing the praises of two of our team members.

(Although I could do this for every one of our team... it's just there have been two very specific instances recently.)

Farhan joined us a few months ago and has proved to be a brilliant addition to our accounting team.  This was really brought home to me on New Year's Eve.

A customer of ours had a deadline to meet which just happened to be 31st December 2015.  It wasn't an easy set of accounts and it was a bit of a rush job.  There was some info missing from what we needed and all in all it would have been easy for Farhan to say 'you know what... I didn't get everything I needed on time, I'm going home.'

But he didn't.

He completed his background work at about 6.30pm (on New Year's Eve, remember), journalled in the accounts, checked everything and called the customer at 8.30pm asking for permission to file.

All on New Year's Eve...

And what's even more impressive is that he did it all with a smile on his face, communicated with the customers all the way through the process and got the job done.

The accounts were filed within deadline... whilst the customer was at a party!

Brilliant.

The second member of our team I want to thank formally is Arjun.

VAT returns have to be filed by 7th of the month after the end of the VAT quarter... so if your VAT quarter finishes 30th November you have all of December and 7 days of January to file (and pay your VAT bill if there is one).

We spotted we had a customer who hadn't filed their VAT return by about 6.00pm on 7th January... it was an oversight, nothing more, on their part.

Arjun contacted the customer to get their records emailed through, completed the VAT return, got the figure to our customer, filed the return and the customer paid their VAT bill... all within deadline which means for the customer there was no fine and everyone was happy.

Arjun stayed and finished the process, leaving the office at about 9.30pm.  This is what the customer wrote to him:

'Hi Arjun, you are incredibly kind doing this for me tonight.  I have just paid the outstanding via my online banking so that is great.  I owe you guys for this.  Have a good night also and thank you very much again.  Cheers.'

Arjun's reply was priceless.  I love it and will keep it forever because it's exactly how we operate, it's our ethos and what we strive to be and do for everyone.  Here it is:

'Not a problem at all, XXX.  Pleasure is all mine.  That's why we are different at TaxAssist.

Good night.'

Dog Walking Fail

Ever had one of those moments when things have gone so spectacularly wrong that you have only two choices..?

1. Curl up in a fetal ball and whimper in pain, or
2. Jump up and saunter off as though nothing had happened

I had just such a situation on Boxing Day.

Renee and I were out walking Barney (our dog, rather than an elderly relation) through the Hermitage of Braid.

You may know the walk, but in case you don't, let me paint a picture.  On the left hand side there's the Braidburn; a fast flowing stream swollen by the recent rains.  On the right hand side, a steep bank, almost a cliff, covered in leaves and mud and very slippery.

The path is muddy, too.

So, I throw a stick up the steep slope and Barney and goes haring after it.  Unfortunately he gets stuck in a bramble patch and can't pull himself out.

I couldn't climb the slope where I'd thrown the stick so I had to scale the cliff in a slightly less steep place... which was still very slippery - two steps forward and at least one and half back.

I was about two thirds of the way up when I hear a shout from Renee... 'He's out!  He's got himself free!'

Oh, just spiffing.

I turned to start walking gingerly down the slope only for my lower foot to slide away from under me.  I had no choice: I had to bring my upper foot round to try and put the brakes on... only for it, too to slide out from under me.

Suddenly I'm running full tilt down the slope strides getting bigger and bigger and with no chance of stopping when I hit the flat path.

Sure enough, as I reached the flat my knees collapsed under me and I started heading for what was going to be a dramatic impact.

Just at that moment time slowed up and, as clear as day, I saw a lady standing on the path with her own dog on a lead (a Jack Russell as I recall)... clearly she'd been looking up the slope at Barney but her head was now swiveled to look at me and her mouth was hanging open.

Time clicked back to normal speed and I hit the ground, manged to just about get my shoulder underneath, rolled across my back and straight onto my feet.

I looked at the woman, nodded casually and said 'Morning' before sauntering jauntily up the path.

I'd never seen her before and I'll probably never see her again!

As I got round the corner and away from the shocked lady Renee caught sight of me and burst out laughing: I was soaking wet from head to knees where I'd hit the path, I had mud in my hair and across my face and my trainers were caked with gravel and leaves.

I ached for days afterwards and I badly dented my pride... next time I think I'll just go for the fetal ball... it's much simpler.

Mr Lambert

I must be getting to the age when I appear to be respectable and trustworthy...

Over the past few days I seemed to have been called 'Mr Lambert' quite a lot.

Now, whenever anyone shouts 'Mr Lambert' I look around for my Dad.  I don't really see myself as a Mr Lambert kind of guy but in some ways it's quite nice.  I suppose.

I have to say, though, I'm not one for massive amounts of tradition, such as called someone Mr or Mrs or Miss.  Oh, don't get me wrong; I love a bit of 'real' tradition.  Things like Trooping the Colour, pubs, pomp and ceremony and all that kind of thing.

Other traditions like calling me Mr Lambert or saying - 'we're going to do it that way because we've always done it that way' - doesn't really cut it with me.

Take banking, for example.  In terms of branch banking - a manager who was a pillar of the community, knowing all his or her customers being present at the birth of their children didn't really bother me that much.  I was open to the new way of doing things with sales specialists looking after particular needs and so on.

The thing is, I've had to question my view over the past few days and I'm re-evaluating whether traditional is actually best after all.

I had occasion to call a guy who I thought was our Relationship Manager.  It turns out that he's moved on to a different role and no longer wants anything to do with us.

Okay... no great issue with that; people move jobs all the time.  So who's our new Relationship Manager?

'Ah, well, now, you see, you don't have one... you have something infinitely better.  You have a team of Relationship Managers.  Just call this number... and any one of them can help you!'

So I called the number (and had to go through security which I almost failed) and talked to what sounded like a youngish fella.

When I explained what I wanted he told me that I'd have to speak with a different Relationship Manager, which I did.  When I explained to her what I wanted she told me I'd have to speak with a different Relationship Manager and he'd have to call me... tomorrow.

Which actually turned out to be the day after tomorrow.

Anyway, the fella called me and asked if I was 'Mr Lambert...'  So I explained I preferred Richard  and went on to explain a few plans we have.  Now, do bear in mind we've been a customer of our bank for more than 10 years... halfway through a sentence the fella interrupted me:

'Er, what did you say your business name was?'

'TaxAssist Accountants... now, back to our plans.'

'Sorry... Tax what?'

'Huh?'

'What did you say your name was?'

'Have you actually heard of us?'

'Well, to be honest, no.'  Was his reply, 'Up until a couple of weeks ago I was an Agricultural Relationship Manager.'

'Ah, so you don't know much about accountancy..?'

'I know the basics...'

Hmmm... anyway he promised to send me an email with some follow up questions, which, in all fairness he did.

The email was prefixed with:

'Dear Mr Richard' and his Job Title still says 'Agricultural Relationship Manager'.

You couldn't make this stuff up... I wrote back saying that it didn't fill me with confidence and that LITTLE THINGS = BIG THINGS in the mind of the customer as Tom Peters once wrote.

A lump on me nuts

I come from traditional Suffolk stock... which essentially means that a manly handshake is about as emotional as we get.

Given that the usual answer to the question 'How are you today?'  Is: 'not too bad!'  You can probably see why the following blog has not been very easy to write.

During the first week of October I first noticed what can only be described as a lump on my left ball.  I don't check down there too often but I do check and in some ways I was pleased I'd spotted it because you never quite know if you're looking in the right places.

Being fairly stoic about these sorts of things I put it to the back of my mind but I made an appointment with the doc PDQ.

I'm not quite sure what I was expecting but the doc was a bloke probably about the same age as me.  He asked me what the problem was and, being fairly embarrassed by this time I decided to go all hearty: 'Well, doc, there's no easy way to say this, but I think I've found a lump on my left nut...'

His response took me a little by surprise: 'Hmmm... anything else you want to talk about?'

'Errrr... errrr... no, not really.'  Isn't that enough? I thought to myself.

Next stage was the inspection.  Stand up, drop the ol' trousers and let everything hang free.  Hmmm... a strange little moment of my life; another fella rummaging around amongst my gentleman's area.

AND he was giving me a running commentary, whilst I was standing there with my face flaming red.

'Yes, that's pipework... hmmm... epidermis, one ball higher than the other.  That's normal.  Ah... here it is.  Yes, yes, quite squidgy... hmmm.'

Bloody hell!  What was going on down there?

'Okay,' says the doc, 'You can pull your trousers up.  Listen, you're 46 so nearly too old for testicular cancer but I'm very cautious about things like this.

'I'm almost certain it's a cyst but I want to make sure so I'm going to arrange an urgent appointment with the Ultrasound Department and they'll tell for certain.'

Urgent?  'Are you worried, then?'

'Well, no, but it's best to get seen quickly.'

A couple of days later my appointment came through.  Two weeks time, 9.15am.

That was this morning.

I had successfully put the lump out of my mind until today but I have to say I was nervous as I turned up at the clinic and I was expecting a wait to get the results after today.

I fetched up and 9 and was taken straight into a room.  A nurse (heaven help me and preserve me from a flaming face and more embarrassment) told me to drop me trousers to mid thigh, lay on the bed and use a pad of tissue to keep me old chap out of the way.

'I'd tell you to relax,' says she, 'but I know you won't...'  Damn right I won't.

'I'll go and get Mrs Sharkey, the consultant.'

Urgent appointment?  Consultant?

Now I was getting really worried.

Mrs Sharkey turned out to be about 35 years old and was heavily pregnant.  I don't know why that bothered me, but it did!

So, ultrasound is easy.  A bit of cold gel and about 10 minutes of searching.  But then the consultant wanted to look at my kidneys too.  Why?

The whole thing was over in 15 minutes and the consultant immediately gave me good news:

'Well, your GP was right, it's a small cyst.  No need for any treatment unless it grows or becomes painful.  The veins on the left are a bit prominent but that's nothing and your kidneys are perfect.'

Oh my God, the relief.

It was amazing.  I had such an outpouring of relief that after I came down from it I felt really grumpy!

And so, finally, to the moral of the story:

If someone like me can deal with the embarrassment and uncertainty of going through a diagnosis with a number of different people fiddling with my under carriage, then so can you.

Check your balls and if there's anything untoward, get it checked out.

The embarrassment lasts 5 minutes, the results and relief stay with you forever.

It's Movember.  Here's my Mo and a link to my Just Giving Page.  If you could spare a couple of quid, that would be great.

Richard

Movember

I quite like the concept of growing a moustache but find the process a bit tedious... and then the grief I get from Renee for having what looks like a spare eyebrow on my top lip is even more wearisome.

She does have a point... which she also makes about stubble in general.

I'm very jealous of those blokes who can grow stubble, put on a suit and look fresh and smart and no-one would ever think them scruffy or ungroomed.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

A dark, evenly spread, covering someone between four and five days growth, I think can look good on a bloke... less good on a woman, I grant you.

Take Paul Dempsey for instance.  He's arrived at the six week stage and he has a very full outgrowth... evenly coloured (ginger is a bit unfortunate, but there you go) and he's even started trimming it to get it into fine fettle.

He admitted to me on Saturday night that he's even started to use 'beard oil' on his chin.  Presumably to stop the rustling and squeaking when he eats.

The trouble is my beard doesn't look at all well groomed when it comes through, no matter what I do to help it along.  I suspect that even oiling won't have much of an effect.

I have two issues.

My beard comes through thick enough in most places but it grows at an uneven pace and has what I can only describe as swirls.  You know, hair growing in different directions.  It sounds great but when one is trying to grow consistent coverage it doesn't really help.

The second issue I have is colouring.

I recognise that I'm fortunate enough in hair terms that I both have a decent coverage on top of my head (although my forehead seems to be expanding rapidly) and that I haven't yet turned grey very much.  In fact, my hair is still so dark at 46 years old that my Dad asked me the other day whether I used Just For Men.  (Other hair colouring products are available.

I think I only half convinced him that I don't... and I don't, by the way.

However, the darkness of the hair on my head is not repeated by the darkness of the hair on my face.

It comes through in what I can only describe as patches of light and dark.  Grey on my chin, dark along the jaw line tapering to grey around my side burns.

Piebald is how I would describe it.  I just wish it would come through as one or the other.

Anyway...

This Movember I'm going to have a go at growing a full on gringo moustache.  Last year I managed about 10 days before the hair at the corner of my mouth drove me mad... we'll see how we get on this year.  And here's my day 1 picture (I last shaved Saturday evening).

The bottom line is, of course, it's for a worthy cause amongst many worthy causes.