Friday 25 October 2013

The things we put in our mouths

As you'd expect food, eating and the whole restaurant experience plays quite a big part of your life when you run a training business and you are schlepping all over the world.

And things range from the sublime to the ridiculous.

For example, working in Dallas involved quite a lot of French fries (don't call them chips because you'll get a bag of crisps) and burgers.

Although there was once incident when Renee and Richard went to a Sports Bar.  All the waitresses were in excess of 6 feet tall and all wore bikinis... but that didn't influence Richard's choice of eatery. No it was the fact that there were seats outside.

Bearing in mind the temperature was in excess of 40 degrees it turned out that only R and R had opted for the al fresco option... and gawd bless 'em, the Texans felt duty bound to offer advice to the pale ones:

'Youawll get a sun tan sitting out here!'

To which the reply was: 'We know... but we're from Scotland and we'll be pale again next week!'

Notwithstanding that, the food in the States was pretty bland... the exact opposite from Malaysia, which was a little too... errr... authentic.

R and R were working for a Malaysian business that was a division of the government... and their hospitality was fabulous.  In fact, hospitality actually meant eating about 7 times a day.

The bosses of this company decided that it would be pretty good to take R and R up the Petronas Towers.  Please do remember that R and R are British and so went to join the end of the queue that was waiting for the lifts.

However, their government hosts were having none of it: the whole party was marched straight to the front of the queue with R and R apologising to everyone who made angry eye contact with them before ordering tower staff to close the Sky Bridge for half an hour.

After this wonderful trip R and R were whisked away to an authentic Malaysian restaurant.  The thing is neither of our intrepid explores are really exotic eaters but they really wanted to be polite to their hosts (and win more work at the same time)...

But we are ashamed to say Richard had to baulk at Soft Shell Crabs.  A Soft Shell Crab just looks like a crab about the size of a jam jar lid.  It's cooked and then you eat it... still looking like a crab.

All was going well until Richard lifted the crab to his mouth, pincers and eye stalks towards him and they all jiggled as though the crab was still alive and wriggling.

'What's the matter?'  Asked one of the hosts.  'You eat cows at home... why not a crab?'

'Ah,' says Richard in response, 'When I eat a cow it doesn't look like one anymore!'

Later that same evening when R and R were about to settle down for the night their room 'phone rang.  'Please come down to the foyer, our Director has a treat for you.'

They were packed into government limos and driven out to the countryside where they pulled up at a roadside fruit stall.

The Government Director handed R and R a piece of fruit with spikes on its shell.  Inside the pulp was the texture of PVA wood glue and smelt like puke.  This fruit is banned from air conditioned spaces because it makes people feel ill.  It's still a delicacy though.

The fruit was sucked off a stone roughly the size of a duck egg.  When it was eaten it immediately raised body temperature by a couple of degrees.  So Richard was handed another fruit which was much nicer to lower his temperature again.

Renee didn't quite manage to eat the fruit handed to her.



Thursday 17 October 2013

Bizarre Training Rooms

We've trained in some strange and wonderful places in our time... and when the location is bizarre the chances are it's not particularly conducive to good learning.

Take, for example, the departure lounge at Larne Ferry Port in Nor'ern Ireland.

That was a strange day in the life of a couple of trainers.  Each year just before the start of the summer season, which is March time, this particular ferry company hired a whole load of staff to work in the shops and restaurants on their ferries.

This year they wanted to increase the amount of cash generated by taking the novel approach of being nice to people.  We were shipped in (literally as it happened) to deliver some customer service training before the ferry port officially opened for the year.

So, we drove down to Stranraer the night before, stayed in a really awful guest house before jumping on the 6.30am sailing across the Irish Sea, fetching up in Larne at 8.30am ready to start training at 10.00am - Get the picture?

We arrived at what was laughingly called a departures lounge only to find it devoid of anything resembling furniture apart from a load of orange plastic chairs bolted together in lines.

I have to say, that if not one of our proudest moments, we were pretty relieved when we managed to rustle up five long trestle tables, a projector screen, extension cable and 50 chairs all within half an hour.

But the piece de resistance was our projector stand... we found that an upturned waste bin from the terminal was absolutely the perfect height for projection.

And then there was the time when Richard was training staff from the Department of Work and Pensions.  The office he was training in was home to the Job Centre, too.

Just as he was getting going he saw a bloke with an iron bar force his way into the Job Centre before trying to smash through a security screen.  Needless to say it would have been a pretty useless screen if it had smashed so all that happened was that the guy jarred his arm very badly... no doubt he tried to sue the government for RSI or something.

And last but certainly not least, R and R delivered a seminar in the Far East, where attitudes to these sorts of things are... different to here at home.

For example, here at home we sit politely in the seminar, mostly pretending to be interested in the presentation even if we're not.  We wait until break to go to the loo and get a cup of coffee.  And if, OMG how embarrassing, you need to go to the loo half way through a session you sneak out doubled over as though no-one will be able to see you walking in a crouched position!

Over there it was different.  The delegates got up and walked out... mostly right in front of Richard as he was presenting... either to go to the loo or get coffee or for a puff of fresh air or to make a call (although they didn't wait to get outside before answering the call)...

But the funniest moment was when, just as Richard was getting into his flow a workman from the conference centre walked in with a step ladder under his arm.

He set it up right in front of Richard, climbed the ladder and proceeded to open the air con unit that was above his head.

And it wasn't even for essential repairs to keep the heat down.  It was just a routine service... right in front of 150 delegates half way through a seminar session!

Thursday 3 October 2013

Cross Dressing... and More

We once did a piece of work for a major supermarket.

The boss made an excellent point about all of life being there: 'Because we have so many people come through our doors every week there's usually at least one death and a birth in our stores.'

And the principle holds true for this next stary from our business past.

If you've been training long enough you get to see pretty much everything; from sleepers to... well, yes, cross dressers and transexuals.

Richard started his career at Midland Bank, quite a long time ago.  It was in the days when the country was finally beginning to lighten up and slowly it became okay to talk about the the subject of transgender, homosexuality and so on.  It couldn't have been easy back in eighties, but change was afoot.

Richard worked in a branch of Midland that also housed the area office, which meant the Area Manager was on site.  During his time there a member of staff made an announcement.  He was in the process of changing from he to she and he was going to be living as a woman for at least a year ahead of making the physical change.

This caused an issue in the office... oh, we don't mean anyone had a philosophical objection (or, if they did, they kept it well hidden).  No, the difficulty was rather more practical: toilets.

Clearly, using the men's was out of the question and the women in the office felt the same.  There was nothing for it...

The Area Manager had to give up the keys to his personal executive washroom.

Best pleased he was not.

This reminded us of a story from Renee's training past.

Jump forward a few years: Renee was working for a Police Service... we won't tell you which one for obvious reasons.

The piece of work was interesting but became more interesting when she was told about a Police Officer who was now a woman but used to be a man.  Apparently it was easy to tell who it was (apart from the enormous hands and Adam's Apple) because she was the only WPC who wore a skirt.

Having said that, there weren't many duties the officer couldn't perform as a result of making the life change: in fact, it was policing football matches that caused issues.

One of the guys on Renee's course told her about a 'phone call he had to make to the WPC's home.

He dialled the number and a young lad answered the 'phone - probably about 15 years old, the guy reckoned.

He was slightly taken aback by this, so stammered out: 'Oh, er, can I speak with Rachel (name changed) please?'

'Sure you can,' said the lad chirpily.  He took the 'phone away from his mouth and yelled at the top of his voice: 'DAD, 'phone!'